Time for Letting Go

I have been rather occupied with my aunt's declining health, hospitalization and all the associated concerns the last few days, more than usual. On the level of loving relationship I have all the commitment to and sharing time with her taking a front row in my mind and heart. On the level of analytical thinker, that part of me always present and helping keep the balance, I am watching her, those who are tasked with her care, observing actions, reactions, listening to what is said and what is not.

As I drove her from the hospital where she spent a few days being treated for congestive heart failure, erratic blood pressure, etc etc etc, I noticed something I had not seen so clearly before. Perhaps it wasn't there before. She seems much diminished. Her body was sitting in the front seat beside me but the vitality of her spirit has waned in the last few days. I checked her into the skilled nursing facility, as recommended by her physician, and could not help but notice how much less of her there was in front of my eyes. While she is not cyanotic, even when short of breath with the inability of her lungs and heart to deal with the effects of aortic stenosis, she was not as vivid as she had been just ten days ago.

The analytical part of me was busy even while my heart was fully engaged with Aunt Ruth. She has lost so much of her memory, both short and long term. Unless she has regular contact with people, she forgets them. She knows about some people but has lost her ability to remember more than knowing who they are. She does not recall events, faces, encounters. Knowing how poorly she processes verbal communications and mental gymnastics now, I chose to tell her very little of what I have learned of her physical condition or the prognosis. Of course, we all share the same prognosis. All of us will transition from this physical existence as we know it. Some just will do it sooner than others. However, her aortic stenosis is untreatable and the only action to be taken is to keep her as comfortable as possible. There will be no heroic measures, no cpr, no intervention. When her tired heart stops, she will go.

Aunt Ruth, like her five sisters and mother (my mother included), is reticent about deeply-held thoughts. All she asked me was if I was okay with ... I looked into her eyes and told her I want her to be at peace and to choose for herself . I told her I am perfectly content with what she chooses. She nodded and smiled very slightly. We did not need further discussion. It is done. I asked her if Aunt Dorothy, the first of the six sisers to pass into the next form of living and the one with whom she was closest, had been on her mind. I happen to know most of my family is a bit (or a lot) uncomfortable with my weirdness, so I was careful to express my question in a form that would be easy and comfortable. She said Aunt Dorothy had been on her mind a lot lately. Of course, Aunt Dorothy will be the one to take her hand as she transitions and help her make those first steps of birth into new being. I told Aunt Ruth that her sister would be present with her and would not leave her alone. She smiled and looked a little surprised when I told her that her other three sisters and mother are there also and they will have a big party when she arrives.

She chuckled at the thought of a party (I do know my Aunt Ruth and her party self) and I told her I loved her and will see her Saturday. The two-hour drive home last night was quiet, peaceful and easier than I expected.